Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Hot Girl of Horror #4: Julianna Guill

Altitude? Yeah, I skipped that one too. So her resume isn't very impressive, but she was topless in the Friday the 13th remake. That counts, right? What were we talking about? Boo--- I mean uh robots? Yes, I like robots. Not the gray ones though. Where are all the damn dinosaur robot movies? You'd think that'd be its own genre by now. People are getting lazy. Come on, guys. Wait... wait. Dinosaur ninja robots. Holy freakin cow, that's copyrighted! Don't you dare steal that! Wait... wait. Mutant dinosaur ninja robots. No... no... teenage mutant dinosaur ninja robots. NO FREAKIN WAY. Alien teenage mutant dinosaur ninja robots. Greatest... thing... ever. Of course I'm serious. Don't look at me like that. Ok, no one is reading this. Let's stare at the hot girl.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Best Horror Movie Weapons

1. The Powerloader

"Get away from her you bitch!" How else are you going to fight a Queen Alien? Cameron had obviously been toying around with this idea for a while, using the concept in an early 1978 short film called, "Xenogenesis." Practice makes perfect.

2. Pulse Rifle/Flamethrower Combo

So I might be a little biased. Aliens is only my favorite movie of all time, and there's a reason it shows up here twice, but come on. The M41A Pulse Rifle, just by itself, deserves a top spot, and it doesn't get any better than pairing it up with a flamethrower. The Smart Gun was pretty awesome as well.

3. Chainsaw Hand with a Backup Boomstick

Aww... Ash. Who doesn't love Bruce Campbell? The man can do no wrong even when he's introducing a trailer for the Evil Dead remake. But how can you have Evil Dead without Ash?

4. The Shoulder Cannon

There's an endless supply of badass weapons between Predator and Predator 2 with the throwing disc coming in a close second. Heck, it'd probably be more of a tie. Yes, I love Predator 2, but still, I'll give it to the first one. Why? Just look at the hole in Blain's chest.

5. Freddy's Glove

Should be higher on the list I know. After all, it is probably the most iconic horror movie weapon and for good reason. I love the updated look in New Nightmare too. The originality and inventiveness of its design definitely outshine Jason's machete and Michael's butcher knife, which both look run of the mill in comparison.

6. Steel Balls of Gory Goodness

There's a reason why Phantasm spawned three sequels, and these flying death balls are a big part of that.

7. The BFG

Such a shame it was wasted in that shit storm of a film. That is one remake I'd be happy about except they'll probably never get it right.

8. Quad Shotgun

Why have two barrels when you can have four? Thank Phantasm 2 and Phantasm IV: Oblivion for this bad boy. Honorable mention goes to the triple barreled shotgun from Undead.

9. The Puzzle Box

Besides being a doorway for Pinhead and his Cenobite buddies, it has a nasty habit of unleashing a few chains to pierce some flesh or in the case of Hellraiser III's opening, make some dude's head explode. Good times for all.

10. Steamroller

Sadly, the uncut version of this Maximum Overdrive scene has yet to be released, but the one and only Joe Bob Briggs talked about it on MonsterVision, which is why I'm including it here. You're supposed to see the kid's head actually get crushed with a ton of blood exploding outward, but it got chopped to nothing.

And for anyone who's curious...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Hot Girl of Horror #3: Anna Falchi

You might know her from Dellamorte Dellamore aka Cemetery Man. That's all I've seen her in, but that was more than enough to make an impression. Born in Finland, she acted in a number of Italian films as well as doing some theater and producing work. It seems like the only real horror movies she has done would be the aforementioned Dellamorte Dellamore and an animated Dante's Inferno short. It's actually a bit difficult to find non-nude photos of her. Kinda a shame she didn't get to do more work in the genre, but horror fans won't be able to forget her. If you haven't seen Cemetery Man, I'd just buy it. It's one of my favorites by far, and she is breathtaking in it, but it's just a very unique, funny wonderful film. I think every horror fan can appreciate it and there really aren't many movies like it. I wish she would've acted more. I said that already? Dang it. I need to go to Finland. No particular reason. I have to return some videotapes.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

How do you fuck up Doom?

1. Take away hell ie the whole story of the games. The whole reason for the monsters and demons. The one thing crucial to the entire idea. That's like making A Nightmare on Elm Street without Freddy. Yes, I suppose they could've left out the monsters, but they basically did since now all you've got is a single boring humanoid design that is just a genetically-modified idiot instead of an entire army of hell spawn, which brings me to my next point...

2. WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING MONSTERS? You had Stan Winston, and this is what you gave us? Did they even look at the games? There are a ton of incredible fuckin demon designs yet they just use one, and it's not even the best one. Why didn't they put in some monsters from the original Doom and Doom 2? What the fuck were they thinking? This was a $60 million dollar movie, and that's the most they could do? Where did they spend the money?

3. They never use the BFG. They fire it once into a fuckin wall! How can you have one of the most badass weapons ever and never use it to kill some monsters? Or kill some fuckin people I don't care. Show the Rock murdering all those people with it. DO SOMETHING. They actually had a pretty awesome special effect for when it destroys the wall too, but that's all they do with it. SHOOT SOME FUCKIN MONSTERS! USE THE BIG FUCKING GUN MOTHERFUCKERS!

4. The big finale is a FIST FIGHT BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE! WTF? This isn't Kickboxer 4 assholes, it's fuckin DOOM! I DON'T WANT TO SEE A WRESTLING MATCH! Remember Doom 2? One marine on his own in HELL? That would be a great third act. GIVE ME SOME FUCKIN MONSTERS YOU DIPSHITS!!!

Only in Hollywood would they make this piece of shit.

I actually like all the actors too, but they even managed to rob Dwayne Johnson of all his charisma. This has to be one of the most disappointing films I've seen agonizingly suffered through. Yes, Alien Resurrection is a million times worse to me (or the awful Matrix sequels), but it's not like Doom is that hard to get right. Give us a ton of monsters, some marines we care about, use the BFG, and keep hell in the story! (And yes, it must be rated R with a ton of PRACTICAL blood FX.) I know it isn't that easy with studio politics, dumb executive notes, and all the stupid shit that goes on behind the scenes, but come on! ID Software should've just made the film independently and then had the studios distribute it. It's just unbelievable somebody would sign off on this crap.

Of course, it's due for a reboot (isn't everything?), but the odds of them getting it right are slim to none, and I've already been burned once. Still, it boggles my mind...


P.S. The poster even says, "ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE." Well, in the immortal words of R.J. MacReady, "Yeah, fuck you too!"

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hot Girl of Horror #2: Amber Heard

Unfortunately, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane still hasn't been released in the US, but it's definitely one you should check out. Of course, you'll probably still recognize Amber Heard from Drive Angry, Zombieland, and John Carpenter's The Ward. She is pretty hard to miss, and she obviously seems to like the horror genre so that's good news for us. Doesn't hurt that she's an incredible actress too. Update: poor Johnny Depp. Well, I guess technically rich Johnny Depp.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Review: Demon Knight (1995)

For anyone who says the '90s suck, you can't ignore Demon Knight. Not to mention, Scream (the first one is a masterpiece), Jurassic Park, Starship Troopers, etc. Besides damn good actors with smart writing and awesome effects, you get everything a horror fan needs: boobs, blood, and beasts. You may not know his name, but William Sadler is an incredible actor with a barrage of kickass credits on his resume: Die Hard 2 (underrated in my opinion), Hard to Kill (vintage Seagal! hell yes), Solo (uhm, yeah, probably shouldn't have listed that), The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist, etc. He can actually take a buffet full of ridiculous exposition and make you cram it in your mouth like a zombie on a fresh kill.

Then there's Billy Zane. His performance here is perfect. Hilarious, sinister, over the top but completely believable and fun. He nails it, and he has a whole catalog of great lines in this.

They really took the time to get the script right, and it shows. The first draft was actually written back in 1987 (two years before the series debuted on HBO) when it was set to be directed by Tom Holland as his follow-up to Child's Play. In the '90s, all the excellent demon makeup and effects were almost scrapped because of budget problems. Another draft was actually created where the Collector was a Bible salesman that used a legion of guys in black suits with sunglasses (WTF). Luckily, Universal ponied up some more money for the monsters. A demon movie without demons? Only in Hollywood.

CGI was just starting to rear its ugly head, but fortunately, the few times it shows up in the film (mainly for the blood seal FX and some lightning rays out of the demons' eyes when they die), it works and still holds up well. Of course, all the practical FX are outstanding and don't show their age at all.

Forgot to mention Dick Miller from Gremlins. Yes, he's in this, and as you must know, he's awesome. Even the little supporting roles have incredible actors in them.

If you haven't seen it in a while (or haven't seen it at all? aaaggghhhh GET TO DA CHOPPPAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!), it's guaranteed to get you in the Halloween spirit.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Hot Girl of Horror #1: Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Ok, let's forget about the fact she was in The Thing prequel, one of the worst CG remake-in-disguise abominations to ever limp across the silver screen. It's not her fault it was an inept lifeless wretched we-can't-even-think-of-a-new-title are-you-really-just-copying-scene-after-scene-from-Carpenter why-did-I-watch-this-piece-of-shit movie. Sadly, she also showed up in The Ring Two, a film I absolutely refuse to watch (Gore Verbinski's remake was perfect, and yes, I love the Japanese films too... too bad Hollywood screwed over Hideo Nakata). So that leaves Final Destination 3? The Black Christmas remake? Dammit, she needs to be in some better horror movies. Come on guys. Somebody put her in some good horror movies please and while you're at it, erase The Thing prequel from history. At least, she got to be in Death Proof (thank you Tarantino) and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Good thing they never made a PG-13 Die Hard sequel...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Waxwork vs. Full Eclipse

Vampires, a werewolf, the mummy, Frankenstein's monster, zombies, and more all together in one movie? That can't possibly be bad, right? How about a werewolf cop flick? Uhm, ok, doesn't sound the greatest, but surely, one of these has to be good... yes? No? Please say yes. So what do they have in common? Both were directed by Anthony Hickox. Of the two, I was betting on Waxwork (1988). After all, who doesn't love '80s horror? Aliens, The Thing, Predator, The Fly, etc. Waxwork has to be better. But I actually prefer Full Eclipse (1993). Yes, the werewolf movie where there isn't a single werewolf until the end (and even then it looks pretty damn awful... werebear attack!). Who needs werewolves when you get a bunch of bone-claw Wolverines! Why do I like this again?

For one, the writing is actually a lot better. Right from the start, they twist a boring old cop-movie cliche and make it interesting. They even have a little slow-motion shootout obviously inspired by the Hong Kong gunplay master. You definitely get your squib fix, and none of that bloodless PG-13 shit. Then you have Bruce Payne. You might remember him from Passenger 57... or maybe not, but the guy is a phenomenal actor who knows how to play a villain. He gives his character the kind of manipulative charm, class, and lethal unpredictability that great theatrically-trained European actors are known for. He would’ve been right at home in a Die Hard sequel (guess that was Passenger 57). But he definitely reminds me of Alan Rickman.

Why is this photo here?

Patsy Kensit, the pretty damsel-in-distress from Lethal Weapon 2, also plays a key role although this film has the paradox of a sex scene without nudity, and it commits this crime not once but twice; however, it still manages to make those scenes work so it probably deserves even more credit. Yes, the werewolf transformation at the end sucks (actually, it’s pretty damn funny), and I hate werewolf movies that don’t have werewolves, but regardless, Full Eclipse is a lot of fun. It's almost like a bloody X-Men.

Uhm, yeah, my eyes just begged for mercy.

So why didn't I like Waxwork? Of course, you'll recognize Zach Galligan from Gremlins, but unlike that classic, his character here is awful. He isn't sympathetic or fascinating, much less cool, badass, funny, etc. He just seems like a rich jerk who complains about not getting his coffee. Then in the next scene when he immediately gets his caffeine and a cigarette, he blows smoke in the butler's face. The girl he likes says over and over how crappy he is while she comes off as self-absorbed and heartless. The true love interest doesn't get much development at all until later (and there ain't much to her except she likes being whipped). Nobody is really worth caring about so the first third of the movie is a painful slog through boringville while you wait for the monsters to show up.

Team Expendable.

Spoiler time. They give some bizarre explanation for how the whole wax-museum ghost display thingies work. Something about the owner sold his soul to the devil, but then they throw in some Voodoo mumbo jumbo too. Wasn't the devil story enough? Why does the guy need Voodoo as well? What the heck is up with the German midget and the tall Lester-type guy who acts like a baby when he's scolded? Whatever. The movie is kinda a mess. They say the world will end if the exhibits are finished, but that happens yet all they have to do is burn down the museum to stop it? Ok.

The film has a really strange opening scene too. A guy is murdered and burned alive, but they have swing music playing in the background... why? It turns out that poor bastard was the main character's grandfather. So we're supposed to laugh at his death or what? Nice confusing tone right at the beginning. After our hero Mark loses two friends to the museum, he's allowed to walk right out. Why? So the story can continue? Is that it? Wouldn't the owner stop him and throw him in an exhibit? He does later so why not earlier?


I did like the short mummy scene and the finale is pretty entertaining. Plus, I love seeing so many different kinds of monsters together. It's just a shame the rest of it wasn't better.

Neither one is perfect (not by a long shot), and Full Eclipse has nothing on Demon Knight (my favorite horror film from the '90s), but up against Waxwork, I got to go with the Wolverine cops.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Giveaway Time!

Enter to win your very own copy of The Sky Has Fallen! It won Best Feature at the 2009 Freak Show Horror Film Festival and Best Horror Feature at the 2009 Indie Gathering Film Festival. At the 2009 British Film Festival LA, it was nominated for Best Score. It won an Award of Merit for Feature Film and another for Cinematography at the 2012 Accolade Competition. It was also nominated for Best Special FX and Best Special FX Makeup at the 2012 Maverick Movie Awards.

DVD includes step by step mask making and prosthetic application videos so you can learn how to do your own makeup!


1. If you're not already, become a FOLLOWER of this blog. (Click the JOIN THIS SITE button under the "Somebody Actually Likes This Crappy Blog?" section on the right hand side).

2. Leave a comment on this post with your NAME and EMAIL ADDRESS so I can contact you for your shipping info if you are the winner (if a valid email address is not given, the prize will be forfeited). For an extra entry, share the link to the contest on your Facebook page and tell me the URL where you posted it in your comment.
3. Only one comment per person.

4. Contest is scheduled to end on Wednesday, October 31st, 2012. Comments must be left by the end of the day on 10/31 in order to count towards the contest.

5. Contest winner will be chosen at random and must agree to let me post their name in a separate post stating who won the prize.

6. Contestants must have a mailing address in one of the following countries: US, UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, Italy, Germany, France, Sweden, Switzerland, Spain, Norway, Turkey, Greece, Belgium, Romania, Bulgaria, Hungary, Japan, Hong Kong, South Korea, Thailand, or Taiwan. If your country isn't listed, just ask, and I'll make sure I can ship there.

Good luck guys!!!!


Monday, October 1, 2012

30 More Days to Halloween!

Hell yes.

I've heard some people hate this song, but I love it. The unbridled enthusiasm for Halloween is infectious. So infectious in fact it eats my face and turns into a pumpkin mask that melts my head until a ton of worms and snakes and gross crap pours out. Awesome.