Sunday, October 14, 2012

How do you fuck up Doom?

1. Take away hell ie the whole story of the games. The whole reason for the monsters and demons. The one thing crucial to the entire idea. That's like making A Nightmare on Elm Street without Freddy. Yes, I suppose they could've left out the monsters, but they basically did since now all you've got is a single boring humanoid design that is just a genetically-modified idiot instead of an entire army of hell spawn, which brings me to my next point...

2. WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING MONSTERS? You had Stan Winston, and this is what you gave us? Did they even look at the games? There are a ton of incredible fuckin demon designs yet they just use one, and it's not even the best one. Why didn't they put in some monsters from the original Doom and Doom 2? What the fuck were they thinking? This was a $60 million dollar movie, and that's the most they could do? Where did they spend the money?

3. They never use the BFG. They fire it once into a fuckin wall! How can you have one of the most badass weapons ever and never use it to kill some monsters? Or kill some fuckin people I don't care. Show the Rock murdering all those people with it. DO SOMETHING. They actually had a pretty awesome special effect for when it destroys the wall too, but that's all they do with it. SHOOT SOME FUCKIN MONSTERS! USE THE BIG FUCKING GUN MOTHERFUCKERS!

4. The big finale is a FIST FIGHT BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE! WTF? This isn't Kickboxer 4 assholes, it's fuckin DOOM! I DON'T WANT TO SEE A WRESTLING MATCH! Remember Doom 2? One marine on his own in HELL? That would be a great third act. GIVE ME SOME FUCKIN MONSTERS YOU DIPSHITS!!!

Only in Hollywood would they make this piece of shit.

I actually like all the actors too, but they even managed to rob Dwayne Johnson of all his charisma. This has to be one of the most disappointing films I've seen agonizingly suffered through. Yes, Alien Resurrection is a million times worse to me (or the awful Matrix sequels), but it's not like Doom is that hard to get right. Give us a ton of monsters, some marines we care about, use the BFG, and keep hell in the story! (And yes, it must be rated R with a ton of PRACTICAL blood FX.) I know it isn't that easy with studio politics, dumb executive notes, and all the stupid shit that goes on behind the scenes, but come on! ID Software should've just made the film independently and then had the studios distribute it. It's just unbelievable somebody would sign off on this crap.

Of course, it's due for a reboot (isn't everything?), but the odds of them getting it right are slim to none, and I've already been burned once. Still, it boggles my mind...


P.S. The poster even says, "ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE." Well, in the immortal words of R.J. MacReady, "Yeah, fuck you too!"

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