Hot Girl of Horror #14: Scarlett Johansson

Eight Legged Freaks. That's it. The only horror movie she did, and I haven't seen it. Yes, I'm ashamed. What's really scary is she was in Home Alone 3. Ugh. I'm glad I dodged that bullet. Actually, "bullet" is probably too nice. "Exercise in pain" would be more fitting. The Black Dahlia almost qualifies... it's pretty much a slasher. Anyway, yeah, enough with the excuses. She's hot. I still can't believe some people don't find her attractive. Come on. Let's not dress up like a penguin and shoot rockets out our face. She's hot. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Update: Under the Skin. Need I say more? That film is incredible, and she is perfect in it. She really is such a talented actress. But dang Home Alone 3? Poor girl. She didn't deserve that. I guess that's why you can't give up as an actor. You've got to keep going and eventually you'll be some awesome movies. Under the Skin is seriously one of my favorites just for the atmosphere alone. It almost makes you imagine what a real alien being would behave like and how they'd observe us. Alright, am I being an idiot yet? Excellent. Ninjas. Cat ninjas.

The Problem with Remakes Today

It's the sheer number of them. Sure, there have always been remakes, and of course, supporters are quick to point to John Carpenter's The Thing or Cronenberg's The Fly. Yes, those are amazing films, and if every remake was like them, no one would complain, but then you get heartless eyeball-crushing disasters like the 2005 version of The Fog. Even the poster is about to vomit on you. A few misfires would be acceptable, but when you look at how many have been pumped out every year since The Ring remake, it's astounding. In 2004, you had three horror reboots. In 2005, two. In 2006, five: The Omen, When A Stranger Calls, Night of the Living Dead 3D, Black Christmas, and Pulse. In 2007, three. In 2008, SIX! Mirrors, The Eye, One Missed Call, Prom Night, Day of the Dead, and Shutter... not even one of those was close to being good. And these are just horror remakes. 2009 had five as well. 2010 had four. Every year now, we are getting flooded with piles of their rotting corpses. This wasn't the case before when we got Carpenter's or Cronenberg's masterpieces, and it's pretty obvious why they're doing it: dollar signs. Maybe 1 out of 20 is actually good. I was really impressed by The Crazies remake, but still, that doesn't justify all the other face-sucking abominations. It's like they think horror fans are idiots, and they can keep feeding us the same recycled shit over and over. No thanks. I've had enough. I don't see these things in theaters. I don't support them. Yes, it seems like the Evil Dead remake may be another rare exception, but I'm still not rushing off to see it. The genre needs new ideas, not our classics regurgitated in puke form.

Hot Girl of Horror #13: Jennifer Connelly

Dario Argento's Phenomena and Dark Water seem to be the only two horror movies she has done. Yes, she fell victim to the Asian remake trend. I never even saw that one. Requiem for a Dream is pretty much a real-life horror film... they even had an article on it in Fangoria. I did see Phenomena, but it was a little weird... ok, extremely weird. More about the atmosphere than anything. I prefer Suspiria or even Tenebre as far as Argento goes. I'm really wondering who saw all these Asian remakes? Because I sure as hell didn't, and I even love Asian horror films, but after The Ring, I didn't bother. There were way too many, and it was obvious Hollywood just wanted to make a quick buck. But somebody must have seen 'em, because they kept making 'em... yeah. Was I talking about something? Mirrors are awesome. I want to be a mirror. Please somebody make me into a mirror. No particular reason. Just love mirrors.

Has anyone seen Martin?

George Romero is famous for his zombie films (and for good reason), but two years before Dawn of the Dead, he also made a little vampire movie. One quite different from any other. A much more psychological, character-driven piece with very little blood in sight. And unlike Bruiser (sorry I hate it), Martin is absolutely phenomenal. The synopsis may sound a little boring, but don't let that fool you. It's good. Really good. In much the same way as Guillermo del Toro did with Cronos, Romero approaches your typical blood-sucking lore from a completely unique angle, building up his main character as a very sympathetic young man who may or may not be utterly insane. Claiming to be an 84-year-old vampire, Martin struggles with his desperate loneliness and his intense desire for human blood. His uncle takes him in and tries to keep an eye on him, but Martin's thirst only grows stronger.

The music, the performances, the cinematography, the excellent storytelling, etc. It's all flawless. Yes, the bright color of the blood does bug me a little, but that is what they always did back then. It's the same kind of thing you have to accept when you watch the finale of The Wild Bunch. For a budget of only $80,000, Romero created another instant classic that really deserves so much more attention especially with what has happened to the sub-genre lately.

Hot Girl of Horror #12: Maria Ozawa

The Japanese version of Elisha Cuthbert except she is primarily known for a different type of film if you know what I mean (smileyfacethingiegoeshere) but horror as well. For example, Tokyo Species. Yes, that's a real movie, and it's pretty much what you expect. You can see a trailer for it below... it looks awful and awesome at the same time. I want to see it. There's another by the name of Erotibot. That seems pretty weird, but she's topless with two swords. Count me in. She also did some Indonesian horror film called Hantu Tanah Kusir aka Carriage Ghost, which might be the only one she isn't naked in. So I probably won't see it... I mean, uh, nobody likes nudity. No one. Especially not guys. Ssssshhhhh. She is perty. How can she look so much like Elisha Cuthbert but still look Japanese? The world is a magical place. I need to go to Japan... for sushi of course. Yes, no other reason. None whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the beautiful Japanese girl in this post or the abundance of lovely girls over there. I'm digging a hole, aren't I? Dang evil internet.

Scariest Horror Movies List

Of course, you're bound to disagree so let me know what you think!

The Ring / Ringu

I actually prefer the American remake since it ditches the psychic stuff, the cinematography is absolutely amazing, and the way the victims look is a million times better, but of course, Ringu is what started it all so it deserves the credit. Be sure to check out the Japanese prequel Ringu 0, because it's also outstanding.

A Tale of Two Sisters

This really got me hooked on Korean cinema. It has some unbelievably terrifying scenes... watch it by yourself at night with the lights out and the sound cranked up to see what I mean. But it's also beautiful to look at too. I never bothered with the remake. I love the poster too. Pretty simple, but extremely effective, and I don't know why.

John Carpenter's The Thing

Yes, this should be at the top of the list. I love this film so much though that it isn't scary to me. It is frightening and foreboding, unnerving and creepy, tense as hell (anybody want a blood test?), etc. It is a masterpiece, but like Alien and Aliens, I love it to the point that I just stare in awe at how perfect it is. And damn, I love that Japanese artwork.

Ju-on

Yes, I really like Asian horror. As far as actually being creepy and scary, American films really haven't come close in recent years. Don't get me started on the remake by the same director, which is pretty much the same movie except with some shitty and completely unnecessary CGI. There is no point in watching that, but the original is excellent, and I think it's different enough from Ringu to earn a spot here.

The Shining

Again this list really isn't in any particular order, because this should obviously be higher. The atmosphere and Jack Nicholson make this chilling story unforgettable. I am a huge fan of the book too, but what Kubrick did deserves so much praise. Sure, his film is different from King's novel, but I think it benefits from those changes, and the TV mini-series really doesn't hold up well in comparison.

Shutter

Another Asian horror movie? Afraid so, but this one is Thai, and it's quite different from the others I've mentioned. In fact, I was really surprised at the twist with the main character. I won't spoil it, but I didn't see it coming at all. Twists are common now, but very few films would have the guts to do what this movie does to its star.

Paranormal Activity

Yes, it's easy to beat this one up since it was a no-budget film, but there's a reason it got picked up by Paramount. After you watch it and you're trying to sleep alone at night in your bed, the movie can really work on you, making you think you hear something. So much so that you question every sound in the dark. It's brilliant.

The Blair Witch Project

It SUUUUUCCKKSS! I disagree. It's not the greatest horror movie ever made, but how can you not love the ending? This is a tiny, tiny independent film that somehow managed to make it big, capturing everyone's imaginations and actually fooling some people into thinking it was real. That is a remarkable feat, and I think it really is a good film. The atmosphere when they're alone at night, and they hear the sounds out in the woods...

The Exorcist

I love how little music there is in this film. It stands the test of time perfectly. This is one of my top favorites, and it needs no justification. It gets under your skin and stays there. Like so many of these other films, the ending is flawless but so is everything else: the acting, the cinematography, the storytelling, the dialogue, etc.

Poltergeist

The clown scene alone proves its merit, but it doesn't stop there. This is another classic of the genre, and I hope we never get a worthless remake, but I'm sure they're already trying. The drama behind the scenes about whether Hooper or Spielberg actually directed it is interesting, but the final result shows that it doesn't really matter. The film is magnificent. And that is one weird poster.

Review: Ninja Scroll (1993)

Maybe you don't like anime. Ok, but you got to see this. Besides being extremely brutal and gory with some sex for good measure, the story and characters kick ass. A lot of people love Akira, but to me, there is no comparison. This film is so much more emotional and engrossing. I can't get enough of samurai films (Yojimbo, Sanjuro, Seven Samurai, 13 Assassins), and there's no question this belongs in that category except with a million times more imagination. And even though this isn't live action, it doesn't matter one bit. I don't think Hollywood would ever have the guts to do half of what this anime does. It's definitely not for kids. I could see them adapting Akira but Ninja Scroll? No way. Not unless they butcher it. I've been in love with this film ever since I saw it long ago. Sure, it's a bit older, but it stands the test of time. Some may say it's perverse, and I won't argue, but it's brilliant all the same. Even if you can't stand anime, you owe it to yourself to watch this. There was a series as well, but I never saw it. I don't think anything could compete with the film, and I hope they never do a sequel.

Hot Girl of Horror #11: Monica Bellucci

Brotherhood of the Wolf is my favorite film of hers, and if you've seen it, you'll definitely know why, but it's also just a flat-out phenomenal movie that everyone should see. The other big horror movie she did was the '90s classic Bram Stoker's Dracula in which she played the count's bride, but her part in that was pretty small. Still, you'll probably remember (she was topless and it was a great scene anyway). Those are the only two real horror movies she has done (that I can find at least). I don't count The Brothers Grimm or Irreversible even though the latter is pretty damn horrifying at times. I was lucky enough to catch Le Pacte des Loups in the theater, and I'm glad I did. If you missed it, I highly recommend it, and Monica Bellucci is a big reason why. She is absolutely gorgeous, and here's the proof.

Alligator (1980) is so much better than you'd expect from a Jaws ripoff.

For one, it has all practical FX. They even mix in some real footage of alligators. Yes, this wasn't a big deal back then, but since we've now all been eye-raped by the awful CG alligators in Eraser, this is important to point out. I think Robert Forster is also a big reason why this film works so well. He doesn't seem like an actor at all. Just an everyday guy you can easily root for, and he helps ground the film by giving such a believable performance. You get some excellent bad guys too that are easy to hate. Maybe it's a cheap trick, but having your antagonists heartlessly kill a ton of dogs is a definite way to make your audience despise them. Then you get Henry Silva. A name we should all know, but not enough people do. He was Steven Seagal's nemesis in Above the Law. Of course, he has been in a lot of other films too, but here he plays a hunter (aka Quint's role), and he does a fantastic job with it. Alligator is well directed too with a fast pace to keep you entertained. Even the pre-credit sequence, which has the obligatory flushing an alligator down the toilet scene (yep, it's silly, but that's the old urban myth), manages to be effective thanks to the opening of a real alligator attacking a guy at a Florida gator show. Good thing they didn't try to make this PG-13 either since all of the blood really sells the opening. Alligator bites are always pretty gruesome anyway so it's smart they use that to set up the threat. This movie even has something I'm so sick of in horror films: nobody believes the protagonist about the giant alligator, but they even make that painless and move past it quickly to advance the story. I'm really surprised just how good this film is. I always remember seeing the VHS cover at video stores and wanting to check it out. It's such a shame you don't get any good cover art these days. Anyway, I'm glad I finally saw this. If you're looking for a good '80s flick you might have missed (or don't remember), this is one worth revisiting.

Hot Girl of Horror #10: Mila Kunis

American Psycho 2. Yep, Patrick Bateman's lovable antics got a sequel, and I watched it. Is it good? Not really, but it depends on what you think of Ms. Kunis. I actually didn't mind it. Sure, I don't really remember anything about it other than she's in it, and it's basically just another slasher cashing in on a famous movie's title, but it also gives you a ridiculous opening that undermines the last film's ambiguity and complexity. Still, I didn't exactly go into it with high expectations so I wasn't disappointed at all. As far as her other horror films, she had an uncredited part in Milo, a film from the creator of Anaconda (yes, that's how they're selling it) with the tagline, "Remember, Jason and Freddy were kids once too." I never heard of that one, and with a rating of 3.9 on IMDb, I don't think I'll be watching it. Maybe if Kunis was the star. She really hasn't done a lot of horror. Do you count The Book of Eli? I guess there's some Piranha TV movie... what the hell is that? It's odd the things you can find on IMDb. Yes, I have way too much time on my hands. I remember when the internet was just dial-up. That means I'm old. Life sucks. Anyway, time to say hello to Ms. Kunis...

Review: Cronos (1993)

This is my favorite Guillermo del Toro film. I really like Hellboy and its sequel, but The Devil's Backbone didn't do much for me. Mimic isn't even really his movie since it got screwed with so much, which explains why it was disappointing, and I have yet to see his director's cut. I enjoyed Blade II though and Pan's Labyrinth had some amazing moments (like the scene with the Pale Man that preys on kids), but nothing comes close to Cronos for me. Maybe Pacific Rim will change that (I can't fuckin wait), but Guillermo's first feature is a masterpiece, turning the vampire movie on its head, and it also has my favorite Ron Perlman performance. He's so much fun in this movie. I was afraid Cronos might be a bit boring, but it wasn't at all. At 94 min, the time flies by, but besides the excellent pacing, what makes it work so well is you care about the characters. Essentially, it's the story of a grandfather and granddaughter finding a device that grants immortality but at a cost. Of course, they're not the only ones who want it. Soon two men come looking for it: an obsessed, rich madman who is dying and his psycho nephew. The real heart of the story is the relationship of the grandfather and granddaughter, but I'm sure I should emphasize again: it's NOT boring. It's just a damn good film with beautiful cinematography, an excellent score, outstanding performances, etc. Sure, it's not really scary, but that obviously wasn't the intention. Just watch it. This is the kind of movie Hollywood would never make now. You got to have young attractive stars especially in your horror films. An old man as the lead? Not happening. It's a shame too, because this is what we're missing out on. What's really ridiculous is the other poster for the film. Guess what it has on it? A hot semi-naked girl who isn't even remotely in the movie. That's marketing for you. I'm partly to blame too since I did think it might be boring, but in my defense, that is because The Devil's Backbone almost put me to sleep (I wasn't tired, and I was actually looking forward to it... the characters and the story just didn't hook me). Cronos is amazing though so if you haven't seen it, hunt it down. It might still be on Netflix although they screwed up the framerate when I saw it on there, but I'm definitely buying it the next chance I get.