Review: Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)

Correction: they definitely show the corn monster in number three. Excuse me "he who walks behind the rows." Corn monster doesn't sound nearly as cool. This film is sadly weaker than part two. The opening makes you wonder if your brain gave up and forgot the second one because there's no continuity. All of a sudden you get two new kids in a cornfield with a drunken abusive father... ok. I had to double check and make sure both Joshua and Eli are new characters. Yep, they are. This sequel is very so-so until about the last ten or twenty minutes. Then it just goes nuts. You get an ugly huge latex beast that resembles the mutated dog in The Thing if it had been accidentally crushed by the prop guy. I love it, and the body count goes through the roof. All of a sudden, you get corn tentacles flying between a girl's legs (WTF), tentacles using sickles to hack people up, a guy getting hung to death by a tentacle (it's a sight to see), etc. Talk about a frenzy of blood and death. More than makes up for what came before, and it's funny too because you think the movie is over when all this insanity explodes onscreen. Genius ending but you know they're going to completely ignore the last teaser of the corn going worldwide. I'm quite certain the next one isn't set overseas. By the way, I have to mention the absolutely brutal demise we get for Malcom. Why does this poor guy have to be so eviscerated? I mean damn. He was a good sympathetic character and they make his death so gruesome like they just had to top Predator with the ultimate nasty spinal fatality. Geez. Couldn't Eli go out that way? That kid got annoying fast and I thought the demonic brat in two was tiresome. At least, they showed Micah getting possessed like he had a little extra dimension to him but this kid is too young and baby faced to be in charge. And what was with his outlandish fireball power? Eh whatever it's always going to be hard to pull off an evil kid. Done right like The Exorcist and it's unnerving (Dick Smith's phenomenal makeup went a long way though) but if it's done wrong, laugh-out-loud cheesy.

Review: Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992)

I love how the *second* film in the series already has the word "final" in its title. Talk about calling the game early. I can't explain it but I have a strange fascination with these bad Children of the Corn sequels. Mostly, I think I'm a sucker for the monster hiding in the corn at the end that they pretty much never show. "He who walks behind the rows." Sounds cool, and they do The Thing trick where you have something moving under the ground (I wonder if they also pulled a bowling ball beneath the surface). I would argue there actually are some good things in this movie. You get some nice gory deaths like the glasses guy bleeding out of every orifice on his face during the church sermon. Ned Romero who plays Frank Redbear, the Native American professor, is a fantastic actor, and despite the unnecessary cliche coda with him (good intent but a little hokey), he pretty much steals the show. I love the clever bit of dialogue where he says the earth isn't in balance then the reporter asks him if that's what happened in Gatlin. Heck no, those kids went psycho and murdered their parents! Not an exact quote but it's a hilarious little moment. The young girl in it is pretty and they give her a silly showering-under-a-waterfall scene so you can get the obligatory swimsuit shots (hey gotta keep that male audience interested). The acting really isn't that bad although the evil leader of the kids could be better at times but what do you expect? I do actually like the dad and son characters. Even the lady in charge of their bed and breakfast is charming. Hard to believe a simple short story from Stephen King would go on to spawn so many sequels but I guess it's not that surprising in Hollywood. This is probably the best of the sequels but I just bought the 6-film collection so I can dig through all the rest to make sure (I'm a glutton for punishment). I've seen some of them before but they all kinda blend together (and the result ain't pretty). For some odd reason, I thought Redbear was in the first film too but I was wrong. Shows you what I know.

10 Things in My Monster Squad Tree House!

Thanks to Freddy in Space for this awesome idea! Read his list here!

1) Kenner Aliens Toys

Yes, these are awful, but I love 'em. Snake Alien and all. Actually, I'm trying to think of the most ridiculous one... probably the Mantis Alien or the Killer Crab Alien? That'd have to be one tiny Facehugger to get on a Praying Mantis. But hell, I don't care. They're awesome even Gatling Gun Bishop (did they even watch the movie?).

And I have to include their infamous 1979 18" Alien Doll, which I saved and saved for as a kid until I could finally buy one with its box (yes, I had to have the damn box too).

2) Monster in My Pocket

I didn't even remember what these guys were called until I saw them on Freddy in Space, but I fuckin loved these.

3) Ghostbusters Monsters

These were the most amazing things to me as a kid (ok, besides Cameron's masterpiece Aliens). The mummy toy always reminded me of Monster Squad because you could take off his arm and head with only his bandages holding them on like when the mummy came unwrapped in the film. If you're wondering (like I was) why the heck they called the cartoon (and these toys) "The Real" Ghostbusters, Wikipedia says it was added to the title after a dispute with Filmation and its Ghost Busters properties. Still seems stupid to me since they're obviously the same with the same characters, same song, etc. and I never even noticed "The Real" there before.

4) Robocop vs. Terminator (Genesis)

This game was so ridiculously gory. I loved it, and the Sega opening with the ED-209 growl... classic. Even the music kicked ass. I don't think I ever beat it though. I got to the end boss, but I couldn't kill it. Yep, I need to play this again.

5) Alien vs. Predator (SNES)

My brother and I only had a Sega Genesis as a kid so I had to play SNES over at a friend's house. Of course, if I had my own Monster Squad tree house, I'd have both. This was another game I loved to death. Basically, just Streets of Rage but you get to be Predator and beat the shit out of Aliens (and pick up skulls and food along with a ton of his signature weapons like his spear, throwing disc, etc.). The cut scenes were great for the time, and I thought the music and sound FX were excellent. Writing about this reminded me of F-Zero and Contra III, two other incredible SNES games.

6) Fangoria and Cinefantastique

Sorry I couldn't choose just one. When I was a kid, I'd flip through Fangoria and just look at the pictures. The same thing I did with my Dark Horse Aliens comics.

7) Cinefex and Famous Monsters of Filmland

Yep, I couldn't leave these out. If I had all these magazines, I'd never leave the tree house, but that'd be fine by me.

8) Halloween Masks

I remember always seeing a Predator mask up at Spencer's in the mall. I wanted that more than anything, but I never had enough to buy it (I was probably 10). It was pretty expensive, and now it's almost impossible to find because all you've got are crappy AvP masks, which I couldn't care less about. Of course, I'd love to have an Alien mask as well or the full freakin costume, but I'm dreaming.

9) Stephen King's IT

This movie traumatized me as a child. Every time I went into a book store, I would punch the cover of the book (it was the same as above with Pennywise front and center). In 8th grade, I read the full book and loved it. Then I started reading King's other books: The Shining, Insomnia, Salem's Lot, The Dark Tower, etc.

10) Godzilla Posters

Got to pay tribute to the king. I'd also have to put up one for Aliens, Predator, Robocop, John Carpenter's The Thing, The Exorcist, Versus, David Cronenberg's The Fly, etc. And yeah, I want a NES so I can play the two shitty Godzilla games. Actually, I think they were pretty awesome (yep, even the second one).