Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Review: Cyber Tracker (1995)

Wow... talk about shit. Never heard of this? Neither had I. Trust me. That's a good thing. Combine The Terminator and Robocop but throw in an awful cheap-ass look, ridiculously atrocious dialogue, seppuku-worthy acting, and a coma-inducing story. The cyborg in the opening scene actually wears a black leather jacket just like Arnold in T2. Even the music copies the iconic theme. But nothing beats, “You are to be executed… now.” See the “now” there is important, because you don’t want the criminal to be confused on when you’re going to execute him (please please be considerate machines). And you’ve got to add some shitty CGI too so a gun can morph out of the robot’s thigh. That’s so much cooler than Robowhatever. You need a green scanning mode too (red would be too obvious). Badass. Don’t forget to change the manbot’s voice so he sounds like a synthesizer crying for help. That always works.

I like the one crook telling the other, “That thing is hot man. That’s the piece I used to cap that old man.” That is some damn good storytelling there. Tell. Never show. And be sure to use the word “cap” when you tell. “man” is also a good way to make the bad guy hip. If you were worried they couldn’t maintain this level of quality all the way through, rest easy. They don’t disappoint.

In the next scene, some guy actually yells, “Computers killed my brother!” Amazing. They should’ve had another lady yell, “Computers killed my cat!” But the brother guy really sells his line. He has an expression on his face like somebody just crushed his crayons. It's priceless. Never trust dem compooturs.

When the female scientist leader whoever-she-is finds out all the members of the resistance team were killed, she turns away slightly and quietly says, "No." It's like she just screwed up spelling her name. Shucks... all dead. Hmm... I wonder what's for lunch? Bet you didn't know scientists wear white lab coats.

Guess what happens when a van flips over a car? It immediately bursts into a 10-story fireball. Awesome. Next time though make the fireball morph into Godzilla. Amateurs.

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