Hot Girl of Horror #16: Tanit Phoenix

I skipped the sequels to The Lost Boys (and I don't think I missed much), but she's in the third film, and she stars in the follow-ups to the Death Race remake. Again, I didn't see them. She has a part in Wesley Snipes's long-delayed Gallowwalkers too, but I have no idea if that will be any good or if it will ever actually get released. So yeah, I haven't seen her act in anything, but she is quite beautiful. The photo of her with a flamethrower from Death Race 2 kinda makes me want to watch that movie although I'm sure it'll only leave me disappointed. But who knows. I like Carnosaur 2. Heck, I even like Carnosaur 3. I do draw the line at Raptor though. You can't just recycle your dinosaur footage. No sir I catch onto that. You ever just want to be a flamethrower? No relation to the photo below of course. No, no, no relation at all. I just like... uhm fiery things. That's fair right? Totally normal? No? Damn.

 

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai may actually be better than 13 Assassins.

Hard to believe I know, and yes, I love Ichi the Killer too (I even enjoyed the craziness of Izo), but with Hara-Kiri, all the typical weirdness you might expect from a Miike film is gone. Here you have a true master with 90 directing credits to his name showing you how it's done. He's through playing around, and I don't think anyone can ignore his talent. This movie easily ranks up there with Kurosawa's Mifune classics. Heresy you say? I don't think so. True, it's a remake, but does that make John Carpenter's The Thing any less of a masterpiece? No. The way the story unfolds, the gorgeous cinematography, the superb acting, the excellent music, the amazing attention to detail, etc. It's all as good as it gets. When the end credits rolled, I was shocked to discover some CGI was used, because unlike 13 Assassins, which was fucking awesome aside from the really-shitty-looking flaming-bulls near the end (and I could've done without the little naked kid peeing), Hara-Kiri's computer effects are absolutely seamless. Now, I know it's stupid of me to say anything bad about 13 Assassins when that movie is undeniably fucking awesome (I just really hate bad CGI especially in classic-style period films), but my point is Hara-Kiri doesn't have a single thing I can nitpick. It's that good, and yes, I do tend to nitpick. But Hara-Kiri is flawless. It even managed to get to me emotionally, and I wasn't expecting that. Only a few movies have ever done that... yes, my heart is a burning pile of ash.

It just proves you can't pigeonhole a filmmaker. Before 13 Assassins, who knew Takashi Miike could make a film like that? Thankfully, someone was smart enough to trust him and let him show us all we don't know shit about what he's capable of. It's so crazy looking at all the movies he has done and how he makes 2 or 3 almost every year. That's just insane, and yeah, some of his films are pretty nuts, but damn, he's inspiring.

Spoilers. Using the bamboo sword at the end (especially after he says his sword was his most prized possession and then it's revealed he got rid of the blade) has to be the coolest fucking thing ever. And I was told that isn't in the original. What a brilliant fucking idea. He doesn't need to use a real sword. He can humiliate them all with a bamboo one. Yeah, I'm a loser, and I love samurai films a little too much, but Hara-Kiri is fucking awesome.

Some reviewers said it was a little cold and distant emotionally. For me, seeing those two adorable innocent kids who had nothing to eat but some water and the tiniest bit of vegetable really got to me especially when the boy wanted so much to catch a fish for Miho yet you know the awful fate that awaits them. A lot of the film's heart is in the details like Miho's father telling them to go ahead and eat since he's meeting someone, but you know the truth is he just won't be eating and he doesn't want them to know.

I really think that time period is by far the most interesting for the samurai since you had what used to be a rich upper-class caste forced into extreme poverty as the entire country underwent a massive change and the way each individual reacted to such a grim situation says so much about their character. It's perfect for drama, and in some ways, how one deals with such overwhelming adversity, how one confronts the end, reveals the deepest truth of all about who we really are as people. Yep, I'm a loser.

Hot Girl of Horror #15: Arianny Celeste

Confession time: she hasn't done any horror movies. Yep, I'm a terrible person... I'm destroying the sanctity of this very-deep-and-insightful, not-just-a-bunch-of-hot-girl-photos column. Yeah... nobody cares. She hasn't done one yet so I'd like to be the first to nominate her for future horror queen. Come on. She was in Here Comes the Boom. No horror movie could be worse than that. Did I actually see it? Let's be serious... did anyone see it? Now, who wouldn't want to see this girl in a horror movie? Somebody dropped the ball... Hollywood, shame on you. Please correct this extremely serious oversight right away. Nothing could be more serious. Nothing. Correction: a studious commenter informed us she was in a tiny-budget horror film called Repost This... Or Die! but sadly, it seems you can't watch this film anywhere.

 

I thought I'd love The Collection, but I don't.

The Collector was pretty damn good so of course, I was looking forward to the sequel (yes, I still love a good sequel... Terminator 2, The Dark Knight... even if they are rare). Then people started comparing it to Aliens, the greatest sequel of all time in my opinion. I should've known it couldn't live up to that, but the idea of it going in that direction was interesting, and I liked that Arkin was back. The opening was rather excellent despite seeing a lot of it in previews. Even the credit sequence had a great style that reminded me of Seven without blatantly ripping it off, but when the Aliens aspect kicked in, the problems began. I love Cameron's masterpiece, and I was really curious how this movie could be similar. Unfortunately, it's quite obvious, and it's even more obvious they didn't understand why Aliens works so fuckin well. Yes, it has heavily-armed badasses underestimating a foe that will utterly annihilate them, but the characters are what matter. You care about Hicks, Hudson, Vasquez, Drake, Apone, Bishop, Newt, even Gorman! You don't want to see them die. They all have unique personalities, traits, etc. Even their armor was decorated individually by each actor. The Collection forgets to make you care about its characters. The team that asks Arkin to lead them to the masked psychopath is just a bunch of people with guns. Beware there are spoilers from here on out. Even the tough guy who convinces Arkin to go with them has only the barest of development: he always protected the kidnapped girl, and he is loyal to his employer, but you really don't know shit about him. Why is he so loyal? Who the hell is this guy? When they get to the psycho's lair, why didn't he phone the cops just in case something went wrong? Or at least, tell the girl's father where they are so if he fails, all isn't lost. He could've brought more guys too.

I care about Arkin because of the first film, but even he bothered me a bit when he seems so chicken shit to "go back out there." I can't help but be reminded of Ripley. Yes, you knew she was plagued by nightmares, she was deeply afraid, but she was still brave as hell (remember her phone call to Burke? how she stood up to Gorman?), and I think they compromised Arkin a bit to try to underscore how intimidating their villain is. They do fix this later, but by then, it's a little late and seems too abrupt of a switch. I have to say I love the beginning and the end. There are a lot of cool ideas in the middle, but the fact you don't know any of the characters really hurts the film... I actually got a bit bored. More is done with the kidnapped girl, and that's pretty good although her loss of hearing never really pays off at all, and they forget to continue developing her beyond the first few scenes (she becomes the helpless crying victim who must be saved). But what about the ultimate badasses who get butchered? They may as well be faceless mannequins, because they have no defining qualities. There is a bald asshole, a black guy, a freaked-out white guy, and a girl. When they bite it, it means nothing. They are just there to add to the body count and show more gore. It's really a shame and a missed opportunity in that way.

I keep going back to the Aliens comparison. I think it's cool and inventive they tried to take a slasher sequel down that road. They even have a way of adding more "monsters" for one sequence in the bad guy's hideout, but still, I'm disappointed. Ripley hesitated to go with the marines just like Arkin does. Ripley agreed only to be an adviser. Arkin agrees only to take them to the place. Not go inside. Arkin lacks a good motivation for even doing that though. Ripley's life was really ruined by her first experience with the Alien. Besides the horrible nightmares, she couldn't get a good job, she needed psyche evaluations, etc. If she went back out there, the company agreed to reinstate her license. It was a second chance. For Arkin, maybe it was a way to guarantee his family's safety if the lunatic was caught or perhaps it was a way to redeem how he left the girl earlier, but they don't really play any of this up or give any real motivation aside from a general "catch the bad guy and kill him," which they forget to show how much that should matter to Arkin. Then when they're at the killer's place, Arkin has to be forced at gunpoint to go inside. I get that he is different from Ripley. He is a thief, which is part of what made the first film so unique, but I would think he would want revenge on the sick piece of shit that tortured him and threatened to go after his family. Instead Arkin comes off as a coward who is hard to root for. When Ripley goes against Gorman to save the marines, she is a courageous hero. There is a huge difference between these scenes.

They really forgot to include actual characters in The Collection, and that is its biggest flaw. The team that goes in to rescue the girl really needed to be developed more so you care when they die, so there is more tension, etc. Otherwise, it's just watching random faces get hacked up, and after you've seen so many horror movies, that does nothing for you. Still, I wouldn't say it's a complete waste. I love the opening and the ending. The ending is a little strange in that they save so much for those final few moments (and I'm frustrated they still don't reveal someone's identity although maybe that was the best choice to not disappoint the audience even more), but regardless, the last scene was the best part.

Hot Girl of Horror #14: Scarlett Johansson

Eight Legged Freaks. That's it. The only horror movie she did, and I haven't seen it. Yes, I'm ashamed. What's really scary is she was in Home Alone 3. Ugh. I'm glad I dodged that bullet. Actually, "bullet" is probably too nice. "Exercise in pain" would be more fitting. The Black Dahlia almost qualifies... it's pretty much a slasher. Anyway, yeah, enough with the excuses. She's hot. I still can't believe some people don't find her attractive. Come on. Let's not dress up like a penguin and shoot rockets out our face. She's hot. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Update: Under the Skin. Need I say more? That film is incredible, and she is perfect in it. She really is such a talented actress. But dang Home Alone 3? Poor girl. She didn't deserve that. I guess that's why you can't give up as an actor. You've got to keep going and eventually you'll be some awesome movies. Under the Skin is seriously one of my favorites just for the atmosphere alone. It almost makes you imagine what a real alien being would behave like and how they'd observe us. Alright, am I being an idiot yet? Excellent. Ninjas. Cat ninjas.

The Problem with Remakes Today

It's the sheer number of them. Sure, there have always been remakes, and of course, supporters are quick to point to John Carpenter's The Thing or Cronenberg's The Fly. Yes, those are amazing films, and if every remake was like them, no one would complain, but then you get heartless eyeball-crushing disasters like the 2005 version of The Fog. Even the poster is about to vomit on you. A few misfires would be acceptable, but when you look at how many have been pumped out every year since The Ring remake, it's astounding. In 2004, you had three horror reboots. In 2005, two. In 2006, five: The Omen, When A Stranger Calls, Night of the Living Dead 3D, Black Christmas, and Pulse. In 2007, three. In 2008, SIX! Mirrors, The Eye, One Missed Call, Prom Night, Day of the Dead, and Shutter... not even one of those was close to being good. And these are just horror remakes. 2009 had five as well. 2010 had four. Every year now, we are getting flooded with piles of their rotting corpses. This wasn't the case before when we got Carpenter's or Cronenberg's masterpieces, and it's pretty obvious why they're doing it: dollar signs. Maybe 1 out of 20 is actually good. I was really impressed by The Crazies remake, but still, that doesn't justify all the other face-sucking abominations. It's like they think horror fans are idiots, and they can keep feeding us the same recycled shit over and over. No thanks. I've had enough. I don't see these things in theaters. I don't support them. Yes, it seems like the Evil Dead remake may be another rare exception, but I'm still not rushing off to see it. The genre needs new ideas, not our classics regurgitated in puke form.

Hot Girl of Horror #13: Jennifer Connelly

Dario Argento's Phenomena and Dark Water seem to be the only two horror movies she has done. Yes, she fell victim to the Asian remake trend. I never even saw that one. Requiem for a Dream is pretty much a real-life horror film... they even had an article on it in Fangoria. I did see Phenomena, but it was a little weird... ok, extremely weird. More about the atmosphere than anything. I prefer Suspiria or even Tenebre as far as Argento goes. I'm really wondering who saw all these Asian remakes? Because I sure as hell didn't, and I even love Asian horror films, but after The Ring, I didn't bother. There were way too many, and it was obvious Hollywood just wanted to make a quick buck. But somebody must have seen 'em, because they kept making 'em... yeah. Was I talking about something? Mirrors are awesome. I want to be a mirror. Please somebody make me into a mirror. No particular reason. Just love mirrors.

Has anyone seen Martin?

George Romero is famous for his zombie films (and for good reason), but two years before Dawn of the Dead, he also made a little vampire movie. One quite different from any other. A much more psychological, character-driven piece with very little blood in sight. And unlike Bruiser (sorry I hate it), Martin is absolutely phenomenal. The synopsis may sound a little boring, but don't let that fool you. It's good. Really good. In much the same way as Guillermo del Toro did with Cronos, Romero approaches your typical blood-sucking lore from a completely unique angle, building up his main character as a very sympathetic young man who may or may not be utterly insane. Claiming to be an 84-year-old vampire, Martin struggles with his desperate loneliness and his intense desire for human blood. His uncle takes him in and tries to keep an eye on him, but Martin's thirst only grows stronger.

The music, the performances, the cinematography, the excellent storytelling, etc. It's all flawless. Yes, the bright color of the blood does bug me a little, but that is what they always did back then. It's the same kind of thing you have to accept when you watch the finale of The Wild Bunch. For a budget of only $80,000, Romero created another instant classic that really deserves so much more attention especially with what has happened to the sub-genre lately.

Hot Girl of Horror #12: Maria Ozawa

The Japanese version of Elisha Cuthbert except she is primarily known for a different type of film if you know what I mean (smileyfacethingiegoeshere) but horror as well. For example, Tokyo Species. Yes, that's a real movie, and it's pretty much what you expect. You can see a trailer for it below... it looks awful and awesome at the same time. I want to see it. There's another by the name of Erotibot. That seems pretty weird, but she's topless with two swords. Count me in. She also did some Indonesian horror film called Hantu Tanah Kusir aka Carriage Ghost, which might be the only one she isn't naked in. So I probably won't see it... I mean, uh, nobody likes nudity. No one. Especially not guys. Ssssshhhhh. She is perty. How can she look so much like Elisha Cuthbert but still look Japanese? The world is a magical place. I need to go to Japan... for sushi of course. Yes, no other reason. None whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the beautiful Japanese girl in this post or the abundance of lovely girls over there. I'm digging a hole, aren't I? Dang evil internet.

Scariest Horror Movies List

Of course, you're bound to disagree so let me know what you think!

The Ring / Ringu

I actually prefer the American remake since it ditches the psychic stuff, the cinematography is absolutely amazing, and the way the victims look is a million times better, but of course, Ringu is what started it all so it deserves the credit. Be sure to check out the Japanese prequel Ringu 0, because it's also outstanding.

A Tale of Two Sisters

This really got me hooked on Korean cinema. It has some unbelievably terrifying scenes... watch it by yourself at night with the lights out and the sound cranked up to see what I mean. But it's also beautiful to look at too. I never bothered with the remake. I love the poster too. Pretty simple, but extremely effective, and I don't know why.

John Carpenter's The Thing

Yes, this should be at the top of the list. I love this film so much though that it isn't scary to me. It is frightening and foreboding, unnerving and creepy, tense as hell (anybody want a blood test?), etc. It is a masterpiece, but like Alien and Aliens, I love it to the point that I just stare in awe at how perfect it is. And damn, I love that Japanese artwork.

Ju-on

Yes, I really like Asian horror. As far as actually being creepy and scary, American films really haven't come close in recent years. Don't get me started on the remake by the same director, which is pretty much the same movie except with some shitty and completely unnecessary CGI. There is no point in watching that, but the original is excellent, and I think it's different enough from Ringu to earn a spot here.

The Shining

Again this list really isn't in any particular order, because this should obviously be higher. The atmosphere and Jack Nicholson make this chilling story unforgettable. I am a huge fan of the book too, but what Kubrick did deserves so much praise. Sure, his film is different from King's novel, but I think it benefits from those changes, and the TV mini-series really doesn't hold up well in comparison.

Shutter

Another Asian horror movie? Afraid so, but this one is Thai, and it's quite different from the others I've mentioned. In fact, I was really surprised at the twist with the main character. I won't spoil it, but I didn't see it coming at all. Twists are common now, but very few films would have the guts to do what this movie does to its star.

Paranormal Activity

Yes, it's easy to beat this one up since it was a no-budget film, but there's a reason it got picked up by Paramount. After you watch it and you're trying to sleep alone at night in your bed, the movie can really work on you, making you think you hear something. So much so that you question every sound in the dark. It's brilliant.

The Blair Witch Project

It SUUUUUCCKKSS! I disagree. It's not the greatest horror movie ever made, but how can you not love the ending? This is a tiny, tiny independent film that somehow managed to make it big, capturing everyone's imaginations and actually fooling some people into thinking it was real. That is a remarkable feat, and I think it really is a good film. The atmosphere when they're alone at night, and they hear the sounds out in the woods...

The Exorcist

I love how little music there is in this film. It stands the test of time perfectly. This is one of my top favorites, and it needs no justification. It gets under your skin and stays there. Like so many of these other films, the ending is flawless but so is everything else: the acting, the cinematography, the storytelling, the dialogue, etc.

Poltergeist

The clown scene alone proves its merit, but it doesn't stop there. This is another classic of the genre, and I hope we never get a worthless remake, but I'm sure they're already trying. The drama behind the scenes about whether Hooper or Spielberg actually directed it is interesting, but the final result shows that it doesn't really matter. The film is magnificent. And that is one weird poster.