Hot Girl of Horror #12: Maria Ozawa

The Japanese version of Elisha Cuthbert except she is primarily known for a different type of film if you know what I mean (smileyfacethingiegoeshere) but horror as well. For example, Tokyo Species. Yes, that's a real movie, and it's pretty much what you expect. You can see a trailer for it below... it looks awful and awesome at the same time. I want to see it. There's another by the name of Erotibot. That seems pretty weird, but she's topless with two swords. Count me in. She also did some Indonesian horror film called Hantu Tanah Kusir aka Carriage Ghost, which might be the only one she isn't naked in. So I probably won't see it... I mean, uh, nobody likes nudity. No one. Especially not guys. Ssssshhhhh. She is perty. How can she look so much like Elisha Cuthbert but still look Japanese? The world is a magical place. I need to go to Japan... for sushi of course. Yes, no other reason. None whatsoever. It has nothing to do with the beautiful Japanese girl in this post or the abundance of lovely girls over there. I'm digging a hole, aren't I? Dang evil internet.

Hot Girl of Horror #9: Elisha Cuthbert

Besides being Jack Bauer's daughter, Ms. Cuthbert has starred in a few horror films including the House of Wax remake, Captivity, and a family horror movie called Believe. I didn't even realize there is such a thing as "family horror," but I guess The Legend of Sleepy Hollow would qualify, and I love that. Can't believe that's so old. Still, horror and family seem like opposites... "Alright kiddies, it's time to watch Martyrs!" Anyway, I never saw Captivity so I can't really comment on it. I heard it isn't that great (4.6 rating on IMDb), but I would watch it just to see her. I thought she had been in more horror movies, but that shows you what I know. House of Wax was ok I guess. Paris Hilton's death scene was the best part. I don't think I'd ever watch it again though. Correction: it's a pretty damn good movie really so just ignore my previous stupid rambling. This is what wisdom gives you: you realize you don't know jack. Alright, ready for the pictures? Yes, you've suffered enough. Hey I've got space to fill. It's not my fault. You can look down at any time. Seriously go ahead. Chicken nuggets are weird. Like what part of the chicken is that? It's just a name? Ok fine. I like robots. But not the fat robots. Eh I like dem too.

Hot Girl of Horror #7: Kelly Brook

Piranha 3D is definitely her most well-known horror movie although she was also in Removal (gothic horror meets industrial-strength cleaning products? really? like that's how they're selling it?), House of 9 (sounds like a bad TV show), Ripper, and a few other genre flicks. Sorry I'm still shocked there's a horror film with the tagline, "Wash. Rinse. Repeat. And repeat." Wow, that's fuckin terrible. Is it supposed to be a comedy? No, it says, "Thriller." Alright, let's try to forget that exists. Yep, it's impossible. Who comes up with this shit? Is Mr. Miyagi supposed to be the killer? I mean you really want me to take that seriously? Ok, it's low budget. I haven't seen it. Maybe it's the most amazing thing ever with the dumbest fuckin tagline ever... yeeeeaahhh. We'll go with that. You never know. I should shut up. So if you saw Piranha 3D, there's a certain underwater sequence you're not going to forget, and you can thank Ms. Kelly Brook for that.

Hot Girl of Horror #5: Olivia Munn

So she's only been in one perfectly-titled horror movie: Scarecrow Gone Wild. Yes, I'll have you know there is a Scarecrow franchise, and that fact is more horrifying than anything. So that counts. Plus, she played Girl #1! Hey, imagine how Girl #3 felt. "Have you acted in anything?" "Uh... yeah. The third Scarecrow movie." "What role did you play?" "Girl #3." Ouch. There's also Insanitarium? I guess somebody liked the word "aquarium" a little too much and tried to get creative. Sorry, it's probably awesome. Haven't seen it. Never heard of it until I did my "research." Oh well, who cares. Everybody knows Ms. Munn from G4's Attack of the Show. Update: she was one of the best things about The Predator, which sadly was quite disappointing but she is clearly a good actress so I hope some better horror is in her future. I'm still shocked that film was such a mess. We really don't need a super large CG predator. Now without further ado, time to exercise those eyeballs.

Hot Girl of Horror #4: Julianna Guill

Altitude? Yeah, I skipped that one too. So her resume isn't very impressive, but she was topless in the Friday the 13th remake. That counts, right? What were we talking about? Boo--- I mean uh robots? Yes, I like robots. Not the gray ones though. Where are all the damn dinosaur robot movies? You'd think that'd be its own genre by now. People are getting lazy. Come on, guys. Wait... wait. Dinosaur ninja robots. Holy freakin cow, that's copyrighted! Don't you dare steal that! Wait... wait. Mutant dinosaur ninja robots. No... no... teenage mutant dinosaur ninja robots. NO FREAKIN WAY. Alien teenage mutant dinosaur ninja robots. Greatest... thing... ever. Of course I'm serious. Don't look at me like that. Ok, no one is reading this. Let's stare at the hot girl.